Pain in the neck....literally

I've been putting off writing for awhile now because I honestly feel like I don't have anything interesting to say.  Life is good, we have settled into a routine finally, everyone seems to be happy and healthy, and I feel more blessed than ever.  Except that I have a pain....in the neck...literally.  This seems to happen to me every couple of months and is so horrendous that I can't concentrate on anything else.  It makes me put into perspective actually being sick with an illness that leaves you down and out.  All I think is "God, please let me feel better....please, please let me feel better."  I may have even said to shoot me and put me out of my misery, which is a horrible thought and really ridiculous as well.

I guess it's due to toting a very heavy, 35 lb toddler around but I can't help it.  On days when he's screaming, "carry me, Mama" and all I want him to do is walk, I try and remind myself that there will come a day, all too soon, when he will not ask for me.  When he will not need me, will not want to hold my hand, or want me to lay in his bed at night.  It's going by way too quickly.  That seems to be one of my biggest worries lately.  All I want to do is spend some real time with him but things have been busy lately and quality time hasn't been on the docket.  I hate that I have to share time with him and that he has to leave every other weekend.  I make the best of things and of course, I enjoy the break sometimes but I would much rather have 35 lbs. of chaos running around and screaming, then have him leave every other weekend, only to return and tell me "no" and "he wants his Daddy" for the next three days.  We are in the midst of an adjustment period once again and far too much transiton for him or for me for that matter. 

Anyway, I will not worry about things I cannot change and focus on what I can.  Which is lots of quality time coming our way.....God, I love that kid.

Santa's coming to town!

I don't think I've ever been so excited about Christmas as I am this year.  Or at least not since I actually believed in Santa Claus and made cookies, and peeked around the corner like I had to go to the bathroom, and stayed up all night.  I used to lie awake practically the entire night while everyone else was sound asleep and I was the first one up and awake.  I still am as an adult...usually the first awake.

This year holds an exception amount of excitement for me.  Santa won't actually be coming to our house on Christmas Eve but instead on Friday.  Due to our circumstances of course.  But it doesn't even seem to matter.  We will have all of our kids together.  We're going to make Christmas cookies on Friday with the little kids and let them decorate.  We'll leave them out for Santa and put them in their pjs and watch a Christmas movie.  We'll lay out all of their presents just like Santa did when I was little.  We'll watch all of their sweet faces as they enter the living room in the morning and see their presents.  Through all of the adjustments and little things we deal with, I am happier than I have ever been.  Truly happy and I just can't wait for that moment.  I have everything I have ever wanted...just about....but that's a topic for another time.  I am blessed beyond belief.

I've been looking through lots of old pictures lately.  I can't believe this will be Jack's third Christmas.  Even since last year, he has completely changed from a baby to a little boy.  I miss that so much.

First Christmas Eve

Second Christmas at Kelly's

Can't wait to see what this Christmas will bring.....

Hugs and prayers from Texas

I am in utter shock and awe and can't stop thinking about the children in those classrooms, their families, their teachers, and their community.  As a teacher and a mother, I take my day by day routine for granted - taking Jack to school each day believing he is completely safe for those 9 hours.  These parents got up and took their children to school, kissing and hugging them, and probably relishing in the fact that it was Friday and they had the weekend to look forward to, as I always do.  Christmas is a week and a half away and it's a purely magical time for children.  They are almost out for school...probably taking spelling tests and making Christmas crafts to give their parents.  And one person walks in and changes all of their fates forever.  He stole their lives and those that were left to live - he stole their innocence.  These children, these teachers, these families - they will NEVER be the same.  I can't stop thinking about it or saying prayers for them every moment that it enters my mind again.  I think Jared thinks I'm crazy but this really gets to me.

We go through a lockdown drill at school every couple of months - practice, get an announcement that we did well, and go back about our business.  But this really hit home for me.  What would I really do if this happened at my school?  I went to a psychic during our last girl's weekend right before our wedding and she told me something bad was going to happen at my school and someone was going to lose their life and I would be there.  She said we would be in a large group setting when it happened or when we found out.  It about scared the bejeezus out of me and I remember being almost sick going to work that Monday morning and for the next couple of weeks thereafter.  Nothing has come of it and I thank God daily that it hasn't.  But today I just can't help but think that this could be anyone of us.  And how would I react?

Jack's school has a code system when you enter and exit and just this week, the computer crashed so the door has been open and there has only been a sign in/out sheet.  Now I'm totally freaked out about taking him to school.  My heart is heavy and I'm sending out lots of prayers for the children, their families, and their communities.  I can't even imagine what they are feeling. And I'm completely petrified about the world our children will grow up in.  How did it come to this?

Adjusting Phase?

I've put off writing here for the last couple of months for many reasons.  For awhile, I felt like I barely had time to blink, I felt like the things I wanted to say I should really keep in my head, it was feeling more like an obligation than fun, AND I know people are not interested in my boring, little life.  But this is my outlet and somedays I feel like I'm going to lose it if I don't just get these things off my chest once and for all.

I have used the word "adjusting" more in the past couple of months than I could have ever imagined.  We are all in a state of adjusting around here and it has proved to be more of a challenge than I could ever have imagined.  I am adjusting to more people in our household, which also comes with more opinions.  Most of which are not welcome.  Jack is adjusting to coming and going and also having the girls come and go, as well as someone new being his parent and living there all the time. Jared is adjusting to all of us and our ways, some of which I can tell he wasn't aware of when we were just dating.  And the girls are adjusting to having a stepmom....or stepmonster as some people like to call it.

I know that no family is perfect and every one has their issues.  Ours just seems to be so complicated sometimes. There are all these extra facets that come with it.  Three kids with three sets of parents, which comes with three different opinions.  Wooo...I am worn out, exhausted, and tense.  I'm trying to work on being a better me and letting go of all of this.  It is not doing me any good but I'm finding that the older I get, the harder this is for me and I like to think I have good reason....that it's because I have become a tad wiser and not as much of a pushover as I used to be.  It used to be so easy for me to forgive and move on but something has changed and it really is a challenge.  I've decided that this is going to be one of my resolutions to really work on in the next year.  It's not doing any good and wasting energy but nonetheless, they are my feelings and they are valid.

And the best part is that this whole adjusting phase that seems so hard at times is 110% worth it.  What I have lost in some ways, I have gained tenfold in others and it feels better than perfection.

This is my first Christmas ever where I feel like I really have my own family.  We are creating our own traditions and though it's unconventional, it's more than I've ever had since leaving my parent's house.  It's such a special time and I think this is going to be such a special holiday for us. We are making memories daily and soaking it all in. 

My new family

Oh happy day!  I'm now a wife and Mrs. Janicek...I absolutely love saying that.  Saturday was an absolutely perfect day.  I can't stop thinking about all of the people we love being there and how it was a complete group effort.  It was amazing and everything I've ever wanted.  But the best part was waking up to my new husband.  The journey, the marriage....it's going to be an adventure for us both and I am so excited about this.  We had all of our favorite people (minus a couple who couldn't make it :( ) there on that day and it really meant so much to me.  Tony was there to marry us and did such an amazing job.  One thing that resonated with me is what he said about our journey - that neither one of us would change it because it brought us our children and gave us a new purpose in life.  And this.......that sometimes life doesn't turn out the way you plan. Sometimes it turns out even better.  My eyes well up with tears everytime I think about that line because it is absolutely 100% true.  I wouldn't change one step of my life - it made me who I am today and tested me to my core.  It gave me a deeper appreciation for the things I have, as well as a new perspective.  And it brought Jared into my life. 

Our new family.

9 days left and sunshine ahead

Yeah, 9 more days! I seriously can't wait and I'm so excited.  I have waited my whole life to feel this way about someone.  And there is no rain in the forecast...hallelujah, thank you Jesus!  Although it's supposed to be hot...but oh well.  Hot and sunny is better than raining!

Stress is all around so all I can do is try to keep a good perspective.  At this point, we can only do what we can do and not worry.  At the end of the day, we'll be married no matter what.  And that is more than enough.

Knock on wood

People keep asking me how school is going this year.  I continue to worry a little that the bottom is about to fall out of everything in my life, including this.  My classes are amazing.  Really...they are.  They listen, they do what I ask, and have even told me on numerous occasions that they love coming to my class and think I'm so funny.  They compliment me daily on my outfits (very important to me) and have even said today that they would wear everything that I wear.  Big compliment coming from teenagers to a thirtysomething woman.  Even my only male fashion design student told me he liked my shoes.  I realize these are in the mags right now and I bought some this weekend, even telling Jared that I'm a trendsetter and I bet I'll get lots of compliments on them.  Which I did...which in turns making me very happy.  Best thing you can do for me is compliment my outfit.  Okay, not really.  I like compliments in general.  But seriously, my kids are great.  They make coming to work a joy.  Let's hope this trend continues.

On another note, we are having a friend fiesta this weekend and Jared is headed to Matagorda with the boys.  Jack went to his dad's today so I won't even have anyone to drop off in the morning.  I actually look forward to this and waking him up in the morning.  When he's still sleepy and puts his hands around my neck and doesn't let go right away.  Makes my heart happy.  I've been stressed and struggling with some things lately so this weekend of relaxation could not come at a better time and I think it will be just the re-charge I need.  One of the biggest things I miss about San Marcos is having a group of psychiatrists at any given hour. 
Peace.....