Santa's coming to town!

I don't think I've ever been so excited about Christmas as I am this year.  Or at least not since I actually believed in Santa Claus and made cookies, and peeked around the corner like I had to go to the bathroom, and stayed up all night.  I used to lie awake practically the entire night while everyone else was sound asleep and I was the first one up and awake.  I still am as an adult...usually the first awake.

This year holds an exception amount of excitement for me.  Santa won't actually be coming to our house on Christmas Eve but instead on Friday.  Due to our circumstances of course.  But it doesn't even seem to matter.  We will have all of our kids together.  We're going to make Christmas cookies on Friday with the little kids and let them decorate.  We'll leave them out for Santa and put them in their pjs and watch a Christmas movie.  We'll lay out all of their presents just like Santa did when I was little.  We'll watch all of their sweet faces as they enter the living room in the morning and see their presents.  Through all of the adjustments and little things we deal with, I am happier than I have ever been.  Truly happy and I just can't wait for that moment.  I have everything I have ever wanted...just about....but that's a topic for another time.  I am blessed beyond belief.

I've been looking through lots of old pictures lately.  I can't believe this will be Jack's third Christmas.  Even since last year, he has completely changed from a baby to a little boy.  I miss that so much.

First Christmas Eve

Second Christmas at Kelly's

Can't wait to see what this Christmas will bring.....

Hugs and prayers from Texas

I am in utter shock and awe and can't stop thinking about the children in those classrooms, their families, their teachers, and their community.  As a teacher and a mother, I take my day by day routine for granted - taking Jack to school each day believing he is completely safe for those 9 hours.  These parents got up and took their children to school, kissing and hugging them, and probably relishing in the fact that it was Friday and they had the weekend to look forward to, as I always do.  Christmas is a week and a half away and it's a purely magical time for children.  They are almost out for school...probably taking spelling tests and making Christmas crafts to give their parents.  And one person walks in and changes all of their fates forever.  He stole their lives and those that were left to live - he stole their innocence.  These children, these teachers, these families - they will NEVER be the same.  I can't stop thinking about it or saying prayers for them every moment that it enters my mind again.  I think Jared thinks I'm crazy but this really gets to me.

We go through a lockdown drill at school every couple of months - practice, get an announcement that we did well, and go back about our business.  But this really hit home for me.  What would I really do if this happened at my school?  I went to a psychic during our last girl's weekend right before our wedding and she told me something bad was going to happen at my school and someone was going to lose their life and I would be there.  She said we would be in a large group setting when it happened or when we found out.  It about scared the bejeezus out of me and I remember being almost sick going to work that Monday morning and for the next couple of weeks thereafter.  Nothing has come of it and I thank God daily that it hasn't.  But today I just can't help but think that this could be anyone of us.  And how would I react?

Jack's school has a code system when you enter and exit and just this week, the computer crashed so the door has been open and there has only been a sign in/out sheet.  Now I'm totally freaked out about taking him to school.  My heart is heavy and I'm sending out lots of prayers for the children, their families, and their communities.  I can't even imagine what they are feeling. And I'm completely petrified about the world our children will grow up in.  How did it come to this?

Adjusting Phase?

I've put off writing here for the last couple of months for many reasons.  For awhile, I felt like I barely had time to blink, I felt like the things I wanted to say I should really keep in my head, it was feeling more like an obligation than fun, AND I know people are not interested in my boring, little life.  But this is my outlet and somedays I feel like I'm going to lose it if I don't just get these things off my chest once and for all.

I have used the word "adjusting" more in the past couple of months than I could have ever imagined.  We are all in a state of adjusting around here and it has proved to be more of a challenge than I could ever have imagined.  I am adjusting to more people in our household, which also comes with more opinions.  Most of which are not welcome.  Jack is adjusting to coming and going and also having the girls come and go, as well as someone new being his parent and living there all the time. Jared is adjusting to all of us and our ways, some of which I can tell he wasn't aware of when we were just dating.  And the girls are adjusting to having a stepmom....or stepmonster as some people like to call it.

I know that no family is perfect and every one has their issues.  Ours just seems to be so complicated sometimes. There are all these extra facets that come with it.  Three kids with three sets of parents, which comes with three different opinions.  Wooo...I am worn out, exhausted, and tense.  I'm trying to work on being a better me and letting go of all of this.  It is not doing me any good but I'm finding that the older I get, the harder this is for me and I like to think I have good reason....that it's because I have become a tad wiser and not as much of a pushover as I used to be.  It used to be so easy for me to forgive and move on but something has changed and it really is a challenge.  I've decided that this is going to be one of my resolutions to really work on in the next year.  It's not doing any good and wasting energy but nonetheless, they are my feelings and they are valid.

And the best part is that this whole adjusting phase that seems so hard at times is 110% worth it.  What I have lost in some ways, I have gained tenfold in others and it feels better than perfection.

This is my first Christmas ever where I feel like I really have my own family.  We are creating our own traditions and though it's unconventional, it's more than I've ever had since leaving my parent's house.  It's such a special time and I think this is going to be such a special holiday for us. We are making memories daily and soaking it all in.