I always liked the Brad Paisley song, "If I could write this letter to me." He talks about everything he would tell himself if he could go back - talks about girls, being nice to his parents, etc. I find myself thinking about all of the things I wish I knew back then. I try to live a life of no regrets but to be perfectly honest, I have regrets. I have many. I know that if I knew then what I know now, I would have saved myself and others lots of heartache. But that's the thing about life...you can't change the past, only the future. What's done is done and we must make our peace with it. I'm still in the process and maybe this letter will give me just a little more of that peace.
If I could write a letter to me, I would tell myself to be nicer to my parents. As a parent now myself, I can only imagine what it must have been like to be my mom or dad and hear me say the awful things that I did to them. If Jack said those things to me (and I'm sure that day is coming...as they say, payback is a bitch), I would lock myself in my room and cry. My mom laughs now and says that you tell yourself "I know I love this child but where is she?" But seriously, I would have hugged them everyday, even as a teenager. I would have appreciated them more and everything they gave up so that I could have a car, go to college, etc. But instead I was an unappreciate, spoiled brat and will spend the rest of my life making up for it.
If I could write a letter to me, I would have taken care of me first. When I think back, I know that I spent way too much of my time and efforts investing in relationships with people who did not cherish me. I sometimes felt like the confidence I felt relied simply on being with someone and not from within. I have always struggled with this...being confident and not wishing I was like someone else. This is the one thing I want Jack to be - confident. I want him to be his own person and do it with pride. I want him to not worry about what everyone else is saying, doing, thinking....and march to the beat of his own drum. I have never been this way and still won't even dance in public without a few cocktails because I'm afraid of how stupid I look. Why do I even care? I know that I've missed out on a few moments in life because of this. It's something I'm working on and probably always will.
If I could write a letter to me, I would have chosen more wisely. This is a big one for me. I read somewhere that marrying the right partner determines something like 98% of your happiness....more like 110%. In college, I would have thought about the kind of person I wanted to marry. What did they value? What were their parents like? What kinds of goals did they have? I would have been selective. I wouldn't have made all my decisions based on pure emotion but more logic.
I'm one of the lucky ones though....I got a second chance. Sure, it came with a price but that's ok. I am changed because of things and will probably never be the trusting one I once was. And I'm okay with that. This time around, I checked off all the boxes of logic and emotion and I got the most amazing prize in the end. In less than two months, he will be my husband and I will be his wife and we will grow old together. Our love is pure and simple. There is no saying things you can't take back or doing things to be sorry for. We talk, we laugh, we listen, we spend time together, we love our kids, and it is everything I've ever wanted.
If I could write a letter to me, I would have paid more attention at Sunday School. I seriously wonder how someone who spent every Sunday at church knows as little as I do about the Bible. I don't know if I have ADD or what but it seems like very little of what I heard every week sunk in. This definitely needs to be a priority on my list now.
I know there are more things I would have told myself but I think some of those things are just part of growing pains. These are my most important and will be in this virtual diary for my kids to one day read. I hope they find some insight in all of this and think a little more about their choices. I wish I had. But the past is the past and I'm okay with that. At least I realize these things now.
To the past, present, and the future,
Cortney
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